stuck in spring

[.livejournal.com]

au!jongyu; angst
pg; 1117 words
tumblr link

For the first time in months, Jonghyun remembered that his heart still had the ability to beat. It thrummed in his chest rapidly, threatening to break out of his rib cage. He could feel sweat forming on his brow and moistening his palms, and his breath quickened as he swallowed. The last time he had this feeling, it was a rainy day in spring. And just like this, he was walking home from his favorite coffee shop. That time, though, the beating of his heart was more of admiration, excitement, and happiness. This time, it was of anticipation, nervousness, and regret. He stood there, waiting outside the music store they used to frequent. The slightly mussed blond hair was a strange thing to see—he never dyed his hair when they were still together. Even the way he dressed was different: more playful yet sophisticated. Yet the way he stood, the way he bit his lower lip as he read something in his phone, and the way his wispy hair fell over his eyes were still the same. Jonghyun wondered if the grip of those short but cute fingers still felt soft but strong. He wondered if the smiles the graced those puffy lips were still brighter than the sun. He wondered if those eyes still crinkled into slits in the middle of the laugh. The warmth of that body, the gentleness of his whisper, the tightness of his hugs—Jonghyun wondered if they’re still the same. How long had it been since they last saw each other? Jonghyun couldn’t remember how many days it had been but he knew it had been a bright spring day yet his heart was drenched in rain. He couldn’t remember what time it was but he could still feel the emptiness the loomed over him the moment the door closed and he fell onto his knees, tugging the tablecloth with him and ignoring the terribly echoing crash of dishes that followed. He couldn’t recall how he managed to get up or how long he had been on the floor, but he knew he locked himself in his room for hours and hours until Kibum got someone to break down the door. He couldn’t remember how he got himself back. Or if he already got himself back. Jonghyun could feel his eyes misting and he shook his head. He promised himself not to get caught up again. Yet before he could steel himself and force a smile their eyes met, and the cold rush down his back was confusing his senses until he froze. It was a miracle how he opened his mouth and spoke. "J-jinki." Jinki looked squarely at him, expression unchanging as he stared at Jonghyun—from the hair Jonghyun dyed platinum blond the moment Key dragged him out of his room to his wet and sticky boots that had seen better days. Jonghyun could feel himself shaking, breath held as their gazes held. It was just like the first time they met, only they were younger and none the wiser. The nervous energy, the silence as they studied each other, and the thickness in the air—it was almost the same. And just like the first time, Jinki smiled. Jonghyun thought his heart would leap up his throat out of his mouth, and by instinct he placed a hand over his neck. The heavy weight in his chest seemed to have evaporated, and through his nerves rushed a familiar heat he didn’t think he still had all along. Shakily, he exhaled. "I miss you…" he whispered. But Jinki didn’t react and remained smiling. It was then that Jonghyun realized. "Did you wait long?" Jonghyun watched as Jinki’s line of view passed over Jonghyun’s shoulder, smile getting wider as he addressed another young man that approached them. “No, but it was getting cold,” Jinki said, his honeyed voice still the same as before. The other man wrapped his hand around Jinki’s smaller one as he returned Jinki’s smile. Jonghyun seemed to have been rooted at the spot, eyes fixed on the entangled fingers, remembering how nice it felt when it was his fingers in that place. The newcomer must’ve noticed him looking, and softly asked Jinki, “Do you know him?” Jinki replied without missing beat, “Nope. Let’s go?” Jonghyun slightly moved to the side as the couple passed him. As Jinki walked by him, their fingers slightly brushed against each other. Jonghyun felt the warmth emanating from the older man’s cheeks. They were all the same, just like when they were together. Jonghyun didn’t know if he should be happy or not about those. As the couple crossed the street, Jonghyun leaned against the pole next to the shop, sighing. He let out a small laugh and reached into his pockets. He pulled out a gold braided ring and stared at it, his view getting misty. It wasn’t him all along. It was never him. He was such a fool for thinking Jinki was still pining for him. Yet why was he so glad to have been wrong? "That’s right, live," Jonghyun muttered as he returned the ring into his pocket. As the first drops of rain fell to the ground, he slowly walked away, tightening his coat around him as he remembered to release the breath he’d been holding. It hurt, so much that he could’ve just toppled over in the sidewalk. Yet it was somehow relieving. Jinki had moved on and maybe, hopefully, he’ll be able to stop chasing the past, too. If only the rain could also wash away his memories along with his tears. Not far from him, Jinki walked to the opposite direction, strangely quiet as he mulled over something. The other man tightened his arm around Jinki’s arm. “You know him,” he said, not needing to be specific for he knew Jinki knew what he meant. Jinki sighed and turned to him, his eyes shining yet melancholy. “I don’t just know him, Taemin.” Taemin looked thoughtful for a second before raising a hand and cupping Jinki’s cheek, his mere gesture reassuring the older man that he understood. As they felt the first few drops of rain fall, Taemin hurriedly opened and umbrella and pulled Jinki underneath it. “Let’s hurry or we’ll be cold.” Nodding, Jinki let himself be wrapped by Taemin’s arm as they walked. It was freezing this gray, spring day. So cold that their breaths turned to mist before fully leaving their mouths. Yet why was it that the ring hanging from a necklace under his shirt felt so warm, it was almost burning his skin? If only the rain could also wash away the lingering heat, the remaining feelings that still secretly resided within him.

Comments

[nadianadeen.livejournal.com]

This is sad but beautiful in their own way. It's the kind of thing you tend to do when you broke up and try to move on.

'If only the rain could also wash away the lingering heat, the remaining feelings that still secretly resided within him.' - oh how you break my heart with this.

[jalousied.livejournal.com]

I'm sorryyy (I paid with the dorothy!jongyu? lol). Thanks for reading!

[shinyshawol.livejournal.com]

awww, did i tell you how much i love your writings? <3

[jalousied.livejournal.com]

Sobs, thank you! You're so nice to leave comments in everything you read and I'm really thankful ;;

[meanwhoe.livejournal.com]

you and your ways with words is just amazing ;~;

[jalousied.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much ; w ;

[sabrina165.livejournal.com]

Oh sweet angst! my poor heart is breaking, love it!

[jalousied.livejournal.com]

Aww thank you for reading!

[phantomous.livejournal.com]

Noooo I need more. ㅠㅠ I love it so.

[jalousied.livejournal.com]

I wish there was more ; w ;.
Thank you for reading!